I wouldn't consider myself an emotional guy. In fact, there was a time where stoicism was my constant goal. But this doesn't seem to be getting a whole hell of a lot easier for me to deal with. Not thinking about it is the best shot I have. But, I cannot not think about it. I think I dream about Aaron every night.
Damn, this just sucks.
Matt
Another birthday for you. I remember how much you hated your birthday. Well, I hate mine too. It's another year that I was never supposed to be older than you, another year that should have been yours. I love you and miss you terribly Aaron.
Posted by: Sam | October 27, 2011 at 01:45 PM
Happy Birthday Baby Boy!I will never forget!
Posted by: Mom | October 27, 2011 at 06:25 AM
I miss you aaron and think about you often. I try to teach my children about you and the importance of a strong bond with family. I love you auntie and if you ever need someone I am always here for you.I love u all!
Posted by: Kara Sapp | October 11, 2011 at 01:50 PM
The temperatures are beginning to cool and leaves are starting to fall. The seasonal changes make me think of you with a greater intensity. Our family really fell apart after you left. I worry about Matthew all the time. He is isolated and removed, I don't think he has the bond he had with you with anyone else. It is so sad that had to be destroyed, the two of you were good for one another. Sam is far away and I rarely see her. Josh is still doing his own thing, and Lindsay is in Champaign. I miss you terribly
Posted by: mom | September 08, 2011 at 11:20 AM
I surround myself with pictures of you. At work and at home you are there. I would give anything for one more hour with you.One more chance to tell you how truly extraordinary you were. How handsome and smart and capable. You had it all, baby boy, and you never really knew.
Posted by: Mom | October 07, 2006 at 11:59 PM
6 months, 3days, and 17 hours since we lost you. I have come to realize one never heals. Especially mothers. Ironic that so many people loved you in so many different ways, yet never really knew you. Liz and Kristen seem to be the very limited few that knew the other side. Sifting through everyones perceived knowledge, they are really the only two that knew the truth, but perhaps not the full depth of your torment. It was fun watching you grow to be an adult and in spite of the fact children grow away from their parents as they stive to establish their own lives, the love a mother holds for her child in deeper than any other. It is totally forgiving, and eternal. I will miss you every day, every hour, until we are together again.
Posted by: mom | April 18, 2006 at 02:00 PM
I don't know if I will ever be able to stop counting the days since Aaron has been gone. It's strange, but as I look around at everyone carrying on with their days as normal, it makes me angry. How can the world go on when so many peoples lives have come to a crashing stop.
I visit this site everyday, and when I see Aaron's picture with the dates of his life, my heart just hurts. It's a horrible feeling and there is no other way to describe it. It's hard to not hold the world at arm's length when it's so painful to allow myself to feel.
Maybe in time the anger, guilt and grief will dissipate. Maybe some day I will be able to think about Aaron's life instead of thinking of his death. I miss him.
Posted by: Cari | April 03, 2006 at 01:45 PM
I still cry everyday. I'm absolutely terrified to be alone, when I'm alone all I can do is think about Aaron. I think about his smile, his jokes, his charisma, but my thoughts are not nearly all this way. They tend to be frightening and unsafe. Getting through each day is by far my hardest task. It hasn't gotten easier, or better. From the outside everything is fine, happy, and content but the inside is devestated and destroyed. I miss him so much!
Posted by: forever missing Aaron | March 15, 2006 at 02:12 PM
As time goes by some days do get easier, and other days...well they down right suck. reading everyones comments makes my smile sometimes even though they are filled with sadness I'm happy that Aaron had such a positive impact on people. That I'm sure he is proud of. Aaron was not the type of person who gave hints of his depression. He was not the type of person who wanted to put his feeling out there for the world to or judge... Mostly because we come from a family that was seperated and at time not very trusting... It's really fucked up that it took this to make us realize how shitty we were... and sometime we were... But we grow and we learn. We can't change the past, but we can change our future, and I think even though it's a slow process and it has it bumps we are learning as a family... I just want everyone to know that there are times when I'm very proud and honored to be a part of this family... We have proved that we are capable of getting through these tuff times... I love you all.
Posted by: Joshua | March 13, 2006 at 02:25 PM
Matthew is right. It just keeps getting worse. And each of us feels responsible! It makes us hate ourselves. To think we have caused your pain, to think you didn't realize how truly vital you were to our existance, is unbearable. I am so afraid ten years from now I won't be able to think of you and see your face. That would be so horrible!I test myself constantly. Always checking to make sure my link to you is intact. My ability to think your name and see you wherever I am must be preserved. Because of you and the generosity of so many, most especially Matthew, someone at Augustana will receive the Aaron Patrick Smith memorial scholarship every year forever. And we will write something to assure they know a little about who you are. You have left a legacy, my son. Everyone who knew you will remember you forever. And long after we are each gone you will live through the students you touch at Augustana. I am so sorry for all the times I missed the cues, for all the nights you needed me and I wasn't there. I am sorry for every little and every big hurt you ever felt, for any and all pain you endured. And I am sorry I didn't hold you in my arms more often when you were a little boy. I can still feel and smell your hair as you sat on my lap with your sweetness and your beautiful eyes. I think we all wish we could do it over, do it better, just one more chance......
We miss you more than you will ever know and pray you are at peace. Each of us have different memories and different perspectives. Each of us knew a different piece of you. I don't know that any of us ever knew the whole.
Posted by: Mom | March 03, 2006 at 10:43 PM
When I think of why you did it I cry.
When I think of all the great family and friends you left behind I frown.
When I think of all the great times I smile.
Wow if you would have of only relized how much we all love and miss you..maybe you would have never done it.
You could of thought about how much we all care. And maybe then we would have had more time to share.
Aaron I don't blame you for doing anything...I just am so hurt by all of it. One day....love you!
Posted by: lost | February 21, 2006 at 03:28 PM
It's crazy I find myself coming on here everyday, a couple times. It's crazy how hurt,confused,depressed,etc. I am just from losing you!I know how much you cared about your family,and your friends. I know you would do anything to help or support them. I come here everyday for answers just like I'm sure most of us do. I'm hoping one day we will get all the answers to understand how and why this happened. I miss you so much and love you with all my heart. Everyone that visits this website does. Some days I come on here and find comfort knowing I am not the only person feeling like this and other days I come on here and read what someone has writen and I just cry, knowing that there is never the right things to say or do to help.And that is what I feel myself wanting to do most of the time is reach out and help all the others that are hurting but how?? Aaron I love you and miss you! I know one day I will see your crazy, happy self with your huge welcomeing smile but until then I have this.
Posted by: LOST | February 21, 2006 at 01:25 PM
Who am I? Since you've been gone I've asked myself that a lot. I'm scared to type how i really feel because someone might get a true glimps @ the real me. I might have to admit I'm a failure, and that i want to trade places with you everyday. I want to take the pain and let it consume me. I've heard people say of how impressed they are with me on how I handle your death. Truth is I don't. I find that dark place in the back of my mind that I find to be comforting. That place I have always ran to. But lately it's not so safe. I want to lash out at everyone I see on the street. I'm consumed with fear, and at times I'm affraid. In the last year we didn't talk as much as we use to, and it hurts. I think I talk to you now, but do you hear me? my only hope iss that you will watch over me, and when need give me that push I need. GOD I MISS YOU
Posted by: No one | February 20, 2006 at 07:35 PM
Matt,
Thank you for putting something real on this website. I find myself checking this website almost every day, and I have no idea what I'm looking for. Reading everything posted on the site, I find myself wondering what is real, having things to say, and not wanting to get lost among all the faceless names. Did any of them "know" Aaron...did I know Aaron? I'm not pretentious enough to think that I ever really "knew" Aaron...even before all the confusion this tragedy left behind. I could never wrap my brain around him, knowing I didn't have all the pieces of the puzzle.
I don't see Aaron in my dreams every night, I don’t see him every time I close my eyes, and I don't think about him constantly. But I'm not sure which is worse, being faced with the realization that he is gone every second of your existence, or realizing he is not there when you expect him to be? Before moving back to the area, it wouldn't be uncommon to not see Aaron for a few months at a time. Every time I came back home, I would think to myself, "I should really swing by Aaron's house." I wish I had more. There were other times, maybe on a Sunday after visiting my grandma's, I'd swing by on the bike and maybe we'd take a ride up the river or just cruise around town a little. It was always a great way to top off my weekend before heading back out of town. I'm not sure what it is going to feel like on that first nice Sunday, when the weather is nice and I feel like seeing my friend again.
It is funny though, the days I miss most are the days I can hardly remember. The days back on 13th street. Days when things were simple, when kids were too young to know what the hell was really going on. Days when your mom grounds you to the edge of Claudia's driveway, and you actually obey your mom. There I stand, on the crack between the curb and the edge of the driveway, hoping that Aaron would catch a glimpse and come outside to play because it was too risky to take the 30 seconds to run up to the door to knock fearing your mom would somehow catch you. I remember days being wasted playing in my parent's garage or in the back yards. How did we not get totally lost in the cornfield outside the Semri drive-in theater? I remember eating hash at Claudia's house and liking it...remember what I said about kids not knowing what the hell was really going on? I remember playing on the swing set in Claudia's back yard with Aaron and noticing something shiny peering out from the ground. Aaron and I of course had to solve the mystery. We dug it up out of the ground, stumbling on an Elgin pocket watch. On the face, it had a separate dial for the second hand with a cow on each side and a fisherman scene on the back. Imagine us trying to figure out how we were both going to share this one pocket watch. Somehow it ended up at my house and my dad took it to the jeweler's to have it cleaned and polished. I remember having that watch until high school...I would do anything to know where it is right now. I would do anything to have those days back...when things were simple.
It almost seems ridiculous and futile to post something on the internet, in a poor attempt to capture the magnitude of our emotions and thoughts, but sometimes that is all we have.
Aaron, we all miss you.
Brian
Posted by: Brian Sandoval | February 17, 2006 at 06:57 PM
It still feels like yesterday. Like it was only 24 hours ago I lost you. I need to understand you, to know what your secret life was like. Somehow, that will help me accept losing you. I have found things your wrote ten years ago and it has allowed me to see inside the darkness. My heart breaks when I think of the horrors that consumed you. I don't think you died on October 14th. I believe you life was taken from you long before. You were the best at concealing the life you truly lived. Did you think we wouldn't understand, or support you? Did you think you were protecting us? Did you know losing you would forever alter the course of our lives? Did you know that you had an internal power, a overwhelming aura that effected everyone you came in contact with? Do you know I have an image of you at about seven years old and each an every day I long to have you climb up on my lap and let me wrap my arms around you?
I will never know what you knew, but I will continue to learn as much about you as I can. I am searching for the Aaron you didn't share, the Aaron who felt he needed to hide so much from so many. I will find you, baby boy. And when I see you again, I will know you better. But, I will not love you more, because it would be impossible to love you more than I do.
Thank you for coming to me in my dreams. Thank you for allowing me to see you again. Odd that in the dreams we talk about your death. Are they real or are they the result of longing to see and hear you?
Posted by: Mom | February 17, 2006 at 10:05 AM